Surviving Family Conflict at the Holidays: Advice From Moms, a Pastor, and a Therapist

Far too often the holidays come and go, leaving a trail of emotionally exhausted and psychologically destroyed. Despite the quaintness of the season, family parties and tetchy in-law situations can make it hard to remember why this time of year is considered to be the most mirthful. This year, why not eschew the anguish of family get-togethers by preparing yourself in advance? Why not take the advice of our experts— a psychologist, a pastor and busy working moms — all of whom offered their take on interpersonal best practices.

The following are seven simple steps to making the most of your holiday experience:

Temper expectations

Anyone who has ever been responsible for the holiday cooking knows the abject terror something as seemingly harmless as roasting a turkey can induce. For days before the event we torture ourselves mercilessly. So overwhelmed are we with irrational fears (what if the oven inexplicably stops working!?) and dread, we whip ourselves into a frenzy.

Farmington Hills psychologist, Dr. Doris Rosin says that irrational behavior is the result of not living in the present. “The dread comes from past memories, past needs not being met, past experiences that were somehow hurtful,” she explains. To avoid these trappings, Rosin recommends dropping your guard. “People become too fearful,” she explains. “Let yourself be pleasantly surprised.”

Avoid the pressure to impress

Mother-in-law’s a whiz in the kitchen and you’d like to curry her favor with a gourmet bacchanalia? Rosin thinks it’s best to avoid these sort of trappings, “Impressing isn’t love,” she explains. “If you are taking on enormous challenges in the hopes that evaluations will go well, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.” While that 8-step pumpkin Tiramisu looked gorgeous in last month’s Martha Stewart Living, sugary treats are simply not important enough to ruin your day.

Love them, even when they're driving you crazy

As regrettable as it is, even the most loving of clans will fight. While it is, of course, best to turn the other cheek, it’s important to remember that you really do love your spouse, parent, sibling or child when tempers flare, as they probably will.

During the holidays, Pastor Greg Griffith of Immanuel Lutheran Church in Macomb Township said he is reminded of a story in Luke 10: 38-42. 

"In this story we see two sisters, Mary and Martha, quarreling," Griffith said. "Jesus is teaching in a house and Martha is upset because Mary is sitting and listening while she is running around and not helping at all. They have a public quarrel because Martha finally comes to the Lord and says, ‘Have her help me.” But Jesus says, ‘She is doing the right thing.’”

While this parable shouldn’t necessarily be interpreted as an excuse for your sibling or spouse to make you do all the work, Griffith said it does offer guidance on how to deal with tense situations among family.

“When people have scuffles, they should focus on the love that God has for the person they are angry with and they will be reminded that God loves them so we can as well,” Griffith said.

When offering counsel on family conflicts, he also cites Gary Smalley, a family relationship therapist: "We only have the power of one. All we can do at the end of the day is control ourselves, be that power of one, take the high road in family conflict and be the one who always has the greater demeanor of love and of care and that will always be rewarded in the end."

Think of the children

Deb Agoli Krieger of Grosse Pointe Farms says that instead of letting herself succumb to the stress of the holidays, she genuinely views hosting her family and in-laws for Christmas as an opportunity, not to mention an honor. She explains, “I like that it means my home will get a really thorough cleaning and that my whole family will work together.” Involving the kids, Krieger says, is key.

Macomb Township mother of two, Krista Droege, suggests a gingerbread house contest. "Everyone from 2-90 years old gets involved!" she writes on Facebook.

Krieger makes decorating the house a family tradition. “We have lots of family decorations that have been passed down to us over the years. As we open and go through the boxes, inevitably, we start sharing memories of the people who gave us these decorations, some of whom are no longer with us.”

“Even if there’s some grumbling along the way, I know we’re making memories for the kids,” she says.

Volunteer for the less fortunate

This one’s pretty simple. To be sure, nothing cures holiday solipsism quite like a dose of perspective. Not only is volunteering a great opportunity to teach children to be grateful, it’s a great way for parents to shake themselves out of seasonal funks.

Use visualization

Sound New Age-y? Maybe so, but, Rosin says the one thing she incurs time and again this time of year is patients who are at their most defensive. She suggests using visualization for a pre-emptive strike: “Actually envision yourself handling uncomfortable situations with grace. Focus on the ways you can diffuse hard feelings. What might it look like? How might you best respond?”

Don’t tolerate abuse

While a certain amount of family dysfunction is par for the course, the unfortunate truth is that some families struggle with extreme abuse. For those who come from physically or psychologically dangerous situations, Rosin says it is OK to skip the get-togethers, “You are not bad if you don’t go,” she says. “You are taking care of yourself.”

All in all, there are many options for handling the holidays with aplomb. Hopefully the aforementioned coping techniques will assist in avoiding the worst of the worse. But, if the techniques do not come in handy, perhaps this simple-yet-precise nugget of advice from Rosin is all we really need to know anyhow.

Rosin says that, if despite your best efforts you are still faced with belligerence, ask yourself the following question before you make a move: “Can I do this lovingly?” If the answer is no, she says, “Don’t do it.”

If you have questions for Dr. Doris Rosin, she can be reached at psychnrg@gmail.com